Shortly before Jeffrey C. Graham walked across the stage as a University of Kentucky College of Engineering and Army ROTC graduate in 2003, the United States began military battle with Iraq. One month after graduation, Jeffrey lost his younger brother, Kevin, to his battle with depression.
A few months later, on November 15, Kevin’s birthday, Jeffrey deployed to Iraq. Although he had the opportunity to delay deployment while navigating the muddy waters of grief, Jeffrey was not one to deviate from a plan. As a solider, he could not sit on the sidelines while his country was at war. As a civil engineer, he was eager to rebuild the roads, bridges and communities in Iraq.
“Jeffrey, he was our eternal optimist,” said Jeffrey’s father, Major General Mark A. Graham, U.S. Army (retired). “All he could say was, ‘I just want to rebuild. I want to be part of the rebuilding there.’ That’s where the hope was for him.”
In his third month serving as 2nd lieutenant in the U.S. Army, while leading a foot patrol in Khaldiyah, Iraq, Jeffrey was killed by an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) on February 19, 2004. Jeffrey stopped his platoon short of a bridge when he noticed something out of the ordinary on the bridge's guardrail. As he was warning his platoon and calling in the report, the IED was remotely denoted. Jeffrey is credited with saving numerous lives due to the actions he took at the time of the incident and is recalled a hero by military officials.
Like many young children, Jeffrey had a fondness for LEGO sets. However, his parents quickly noticed Jeffrey’s inclination to build was more of a passion than an interest. He would build things out of sticks, blocks—anything he could get his hands on. No matter the structure, Jeffrey loved building and saw the opportunity in things most would overlook.
General Graham recalled a conversation with his son around age three or four about what he wanted to be when he grew up.
“He said, ‘What is the name of what you are if you build things?’ And I told him that is called an engineer,” said General Graham. “Right then he said, ‘I'm going to be an engineer,’ and he never changed his mind.”
In addition to his penchant for tinkering and building, a young Jeffrey, alongside brother Kevin, also spent much of his time playing “Army.” For the Graham boys, their interest in the Army was not spawned by G.I. Joe, but rather, their own in-home hero, dad. Both Jeffrey and Kevin joined ROTC to follow in the footsteps of their father.
General Graham’s military assignments took his family around the globe. The changes in geography were a unique education within themselves, but more than anything, it taught his children that family is the constant. Jeffrey was the oldest of his siblings and he, Kevin and their younger sister, Melanie, spent their childhood everywhere from Asia to Europe, California to Washington, D.C., developing an unshakable bond.
While dad may have inspired his sons to play “Army” in the yard, it was mom who had them imagining Rupp Arena when they were shooting baskets in the driveway. No matter how far away they were, Carol Graham, a Frankfort native, impressed an enduring bond to the Bluegrass State upon her children. And no blood ran bluer than that of her firstborn.
“Jeffrey could have gone anywhere to college — he was an excellent high school student,” said Carol. “The only college he applied to was the University of Kentucky. He didn’t want to go anywhere else.”
Not only was UK the place for him, the always determined Jeffrey made sure both Kevin and Melanie joined him there. The three eventually shared an apartment and were often seen running together around Lexington.
During his time in Lexington, Jeffrey met his friend and former classmate, Lee Carlisle. Jeffrey and Lee had many classes together, studied together and eventually graduated together with civil engineering degrees in May 2003. Lee fondly remembers Jeffrey as “extremely funny and outgoing, but bright and determined to succeed.” He also affectionately labeled Jeffrey “a certifiable UK basketball nut” and noted he was a member of Chi Epsilon, the civil engineering honors society for academic achievement.
“Besides excelling as a basketball fan, Jeff managed to excel in engineering school,” said Lee.
Like so many others, Lee learned that to know Jeffrey was to know all of the Graham kids. He vividly remembers the apartment Jeffrey shared with his siblings near campus –– home of legendary basketball watch parties and an entire wall papered in the 64-team tournament bracket in March.
“One story I recall hearing was when Jeff built 3-level stadium seating using plywood and three couches,” said Lee. “When asked if he thought it would hold, his reply was, ‘Relax guys, I’m an engineer.’”
The very apartment that was once donned in wall-sized tournament brackets and briefly featured stadium-style seating became the site of unspeakable tragedy. On June 21, 2003, Jeffrey’s brother, Kevin, died by suicide.
On that morning, when Kevin did not show up for their tee time, Jeffrey knew something was wrong. It was the kind of sinking intuition that could only come from a best friend you shared bunkbed and a bloodline with. And despite this bond, in the aftermath of losing Kevin, Jeffrey realized how subtle the signs could be when someone was severely struggling with depression.
Although often remembered for the brothers-in-arms he saved, in the months leading up to Jeffrey’s own untimely death, he made clear what he intended his life’s legacy to be — to save as many Kevins as possible. This is also a promise he asked his parents to make to him on the night before deployment after a young solider arrived at his door and shared that he was having thoughts of suicide.
“He called and said, ‘You've got to promise me that you and daddy will keep trying to save people from dying by suicide,’” said Carol. “I promised, and then Mark promised. So then, when he left, that was our promise to Jeffrey.”
It was if Jeffrey acknowledged his own risk of death fighting an international war and wanted to ensure, should anything happen to him, it would not overshadow the internal war being fought by so many. “There’s so many Kevins out there,” he told his parents.
After losing Jeffrey just eight months after Kevin, the Grahams were living a reality more devastating than any nightmare that could be conjured up by the darkest corner of the subconscious. But they made a promise to Jeffrey. And it’s one they have never broken.
After Jeffrey’s death, the Grahams established the Jeffrey C. and Kevin A. Graham Memorial Fund to support suicide education and prevention efforts at UK. [NEED UPDATED LINK AND INFO FROM SOCIAL WORK.] In August 2005, Jeffrey’s former classmates, Lee, and Ulric J. Kulik, started the 2nd Lieutenant Jeffrey C. Graham Memorial Scholarship, which the Grahams continue to match annually.
“Our family was just so broken, and our dreams for both our boys were basically shattered,” said Carol. “But just the idea that there could be a legacy where we could see hopes and dreams coming true in other young lives made all the difference for us.”
After learning of Jeffrey’s lifelong interest in building things and the phone calls home to his family about how he could not wait for the war to end so he could use his engineering skills to help rebuild Iraq’s infrastructure, Lee and Ulric knew they needed to build something in Jeffrey’s honor.
The 2nd Lieutenant Jeffrey C. Graham Memorial Scholarship is awarded annually to UK students who demonstrate academic excellence in civil engineering studies. And the Graham family has been there to witness each awardee for the last 20 years.
“Naturally, we felt the best memorial would be to create a scholarship, so that others could continue Jeff’s engineering dreams,” said Lee.
Lee understands the importance of financial assistance on a personal level — he was awarded a scholarship to return to UK to complete his bachelor’s degree as a non-traditional student. This provided him the time to be successful as an undergraduate and paved the way for graduate school.
“By investing in the education of engineering students through scholarships, we donors are investing in the future of our profession,” said Lee.
In addition to extending Jeffrey’s legacy of service to others, the scholarship also serves to honor his story and sacrifice.
“We also felt it was very important that Jeff’s story be told to future generations,” said Lee. “His bravery and insistence on serving in the Iraq war even though he could have remained safely in the United States spoke volumes as to his character. He redefined the word ‘hero’ for many who knew him or heard his story.”
A hallmark of any hero is a determined spirit. Jeffrey’s certainly lives on in each student supported by his scholarship. And in General Graham, Carol and Melanie, who through years of ardent advocacy, continue to fulfill their promise to Jeffrey to help those suffering in silence.
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The Graham family expresses sincere gratitude to Ulrich, Lee, and all of the family, alumni and friends who have helped make the 2nd Lieutenant Jeffrey C. Graham Memorial Scholarship possible over the past two decades. Make a gift here.
Jeffrey in Iraq.
Jeffrey in his room in Iraq in January 2004.
Kevin and Jeffrey at UK ROTC.
Jeffrey, Melanie and Kevin Graham at the Great Wall of China in December 2002.
Kevin and Jeffrey pinning on dad's rank to major in Washington, D.C., 1986.
Jeffrey and Kevin's gravesite.
Carol and Mark Graham holding sons' memorial flags.
